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What Am I Doing?
Like a Dream 
16th-Mar-2010 01:38 pm
Oh God What the Fuck
In response to this prompt. Time travel to the 1980s!

Like a Dream

“The morning copy of The Times, Watson, some things are, after all, eternal. I believe we have established where, or rather when we are, and it is not, as you so fancifully suggested, the second circle of Hell.”

“I... No. No. No. No...”

“Watson! Get a hold of yourself, man!”

“But Holmes, a hundred years in the future! This is not possible! We are either dead or dreaming –”

“Who knows? Even the ancients theorised that time is merely an illusion. If we exist in an everlasting present, then perhaps, by some distortion in the -- ”

“...This is all your fault.”

“Why should you say such a thing?”

“So, your electromagnetic experiment, and the big flash and bang, and suddenly being in 1989, that was sheer coincidence, was it.”

“Correlation is not causation, Watson. “

“Holmes, what are we going to do?”

“We cannot proceed in the absence of further data. Besides this is the most extraordinary opportunity in the history of science! We must explore!”

“What are you doing? Come back! We can’t go out there! Look at those people.

“This is still London, Watson. This is my city, and I’ll be damned if I’ll ever be reduced to cowering in fear of it.”

“But everyone’s hair, Holmes!”

* * *

“This is an age of wonders, Watson!”

“Dear God, where are we? Is this Aldgate? What has happened to it?”

“Peace! Prosperity! Towers of glass and steel! The slums are gone! The air is clean! Portable telephones! Everyone is happy!”

“They all look like syphilitic urchins and I want to go home.”

“And cocaine, Watson! Everywhere!”

* * *


“Holmes, do keep your voice down!”

* * *

“Well, inevitably things have changed, Holmes.”

“They would not even let me near the crime scene.”

“I am sure they will come to understand...”

“I have no outlet for my abilities.”

“You are the most brilliant man in this or any century, you will find one... I mean, you would find one, if...”

“Scotland Yard is not even in Scotland Yard any more.”

“...You have made no progress toward finding a way home...?”

“Everyone we know is dead. Mycroft is dead. He will never have known what happened to me.”


“And we are antiques from a fallen Empire. We are living ghosts.”

“Oh, Holmes.”

“And the music... the music is unbearable.”

* * *

“Watson! God, I thought I’d lost you! We cannot afford to get separated –”

“Holmes! Dear Holmes. My dear, dear... dear Holmes, let me persuade you to try this drink. It is called a Sex On The Beach.”

“It is called a what?”

...Just like a prayer – ah-ah! Your voice can take me there!

“Kindly refrain from singing that infernal song, Watson.”

“It is not an infernal song, it is a very fine song and I like it. Just like a muse to me! Ah-ah! You are a mystery!

“How many of those obscene things did you drink, Watson? ...Watson, remove that paper-umbrella-thing from my hair.”

Just like a dream! You are not what you seem!

“Maybe you were right the first time. Maybe this is Hell.”

Just like a prayer –

“I have to think. We do not belong here. Please. Stop.”

“But it reminds me of you!”

“Oh God. Barmaid, bring me – oh, I don’t know – yes, a “Pina colada”, anything... ”

* * *

“Holmes! Holmes, wake up!”

His head felt as if it might possibly roll off and he couldn’t entirely remember how to work his eyelids; nevertheless, there was an abundance of data to work with. Watson’s presence, excellent. Scents: coal, tobacco and complex chemical stew including ethanol, iodine, prussic acid and other wonderful things. The sound of hoof-beats on cobbles. Beneath him... a hearthrug, the hearthrug - spinning rather alarmingly, but nevertheless unmistakable. The parlour of 221b, Baker Street. 1889. Give or take a year, anyway.


Ah yes, eyelids, here they were. “I hear you call my name –” he croaked.

“Thank God,” breathed Watson, “Whatever substance you indulged in last night, as your doctor I forbid you to touch it again.”

Holmes grinned up at him. “...And it feels like home.

18th-Mar-2010 04:36 am (UTC)
...There are no words whatsoever for how epically awesome this is.


I utterly ADORE how you flipped between angst and utter utter crack. And I could compose reams of bad poetry to this part in particular:

“And cocaine, Watson! Everywhere!”

* * *


Although you do lose marks for getting Like A Prayer stuck in my head. I'm a harsh mistress.
18th-Mar-2010 11:34 am (UTC)
Thank you! :-D I've been loving your stories on the meme,

“And cocaine, Watson! Everywhere!”

Yay. That was my favourite, "Oh God, now I HAVE to write it" line.

Although you do lose marks for getting Like A Prayer stuck in my head. I'm a harsh mistress.

*is not sorry.*
18th-Mar-2010 12:02 pm (UTC)
There's a lot of great writers on that meme - it's a blast and a half :D

*starts singing the wombles theme at you in retaliation*
18th-Mar-2010 12:16 pm (UTC)
Nooooo! Hoist by my own petard!
18th-Mar-2010 12:32 pm (UTC)
Your wombly, bonnie langford petard!

(Deleted comment)
28th-Apr-2010 11:00 am (UTC)
Thank you for letting me know and I'm really glad this cheered you up. I am so sorry about your terrible day yesterday - I had a horrible one myself the day before, but the next day things got better. I hope the same is true for you.
(Deleted comment)
7th-May-2010 03:28 am (UTC) - drive-by comment

I cannot breathe from suppressing my hilarity. I will asphyxiate any moment now, or else explode with laughter and be written up for violating my dormitory's quiet hours. And it will be all your fault. It is ok, I do not mind.
10th-May-2010 08:22 pm (UTC) - Re: drive-by comment
I'm sorry I took a while to get back and thank you - I hope you did not explode or asphyxiate! I'm glad you enjoyed this.
8th-May-2010 10:41 pm (UTC)
*squeals like you wouldn't believe* This is absolutely AWESOME XD EEEEEE.

“Peace! Prosperity! Towers of glass and steel! The slums are gone! The air is clean! Portable telephones! Everyone is happy!”

“They all look like syphilitic urchins and I want to go home.”

“And cocaine, Watson! Everywhere!”



*little dance of glee* This whole thing is just WONDERFUL XD Thank you for writing it!
10th-May-2010 08:22 pm (UTC)
Aww, you're welcome, and thank you very much! I'm glad you liked this.
18th-Jun-2010 07:33 am (UTC)
“They all look like syphilitic urchins and I want to go home.”

*splatters* XD


I literally laughed out loud here!!! XD

“Scotland Yard is not even in Scotland Yard any more.”

Ha ha ha, this ficlet is HILARIOUS! XD
10th-Jul-2010 10:19 pm (UTC)
*snicker* Oh this one is a joy!
12th-Aug-2010 07:04 am (UTC)
“Correlation is not causation, Watson. “

The guffaws started here, and only let up when you slipped some genuine angst in... and then started back up when you shifted effortlessly back to the crack.

Thanks for this.
13th-Sep-2010 06:12 pm (UTC) - ...uh, a month late but...
Thank you very much! Yes, poor angsty Holmes discovering he and Victorian London are MEN2B4EVA.
1st-Sep-2010 07:52 pm (UTC)
LORD ALMIGHTY! IDK how I missed this little ficlet last time I was stalking/perusing your journal, but OMFG!!!

and MADONNA!@ BWAHAHAHAH! drunk watson at what I assume was a gay club? OMFG!! MORE MORE, please, I shall beg of you!!! OR, I can sing you some madonna?
13th-Sep-2010 05:37 pm (UTC)
Heh, I always just thought of it as any old 80s cocktail bar, but now you mention it, perhaps it should be a gay club!

As Watson has banned Holmes from doing whatever-he-did again, I don't think there'll be more of this particular craziness, but I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you!
13th-Sep-2010 05:16 pm (UTC)
Cannot. Stop. Giggling.

Especially because by a total fluke, 'Like A Prayer' was playing on the radio as I read this.

So perfect! :D
13th-Sep-2010 05:38 pm (UTC)
Whoa. That's actually a little scary. O___O

But I'm very glad you enjoyed it, thank you for saying so!
10th-Oct-2010 10:16 am (UTC)
“And cocaine, Watson! Everywhere!”

Bwahahaha! This fic made my day ♥
10th-Dec-2010 11:09 pm (UTC)
Fics like this one are the reason my delicious has an I-want-to-quote-the-whole-thing tag. In other words: This made my day! Glad I found it.
28th-Jan-2011 11:07 pm (UTC)
God, this is hilarious, and their relationship so sweet and lovely. I love how both Holmes and Watson's moods alternate and always balance each other out; We cannot afford to get separated Absolutely. *nods firmly*


Thank you very much for sharing!
30th-Jan-2011 04:53 pm (UTC)
*ded of glee and laughter*

Oh my fucking God, you are amazing. I would quote the lines I loved best about this back at you, but it'd have to be the whole thing.
7th-Jun-2012 11:19 pm (UTC)
Ahem hem. Hello (again). Would you mind terribly if I attempted to record a podfic version of this glorious work?
7th-Jun-2012 11:56 pm (UTC)
Of course I wouldn't mind at all! I'd be delighted to see what you could make out of it.
12th-Jun-2012 03:16 am (UTC)
Yay! :D It might take awhile to do, as this will be the first time I've incorporated music into a podfic, so some bemused fiddling about with the sound recording software will probs be necessary.

A question: how would you like me to pronounce your username? "W. A. I. D."? "Wade"? Something else?
12th-Jun-2012 03:07 pm (UTC)
Heh, "Wade" is fine.
20th-Jun-2012 02:25 pm (UTC) - finished podfic
'Tis finished! and posted at dreamwidth's amplificathon comm, if you'd care to listen. :)
6th-Jul-2012 11:32 pm (UTC) - Re: finished podfic
Yikes, I'm sorry I've left it so long to respond to this! Everything's been so hectic. That's lovely, and thanks so much for doing that for my little story!
7th-Jul-2012 01:51 am (UTC) - Re: finished podfic
It was my pleasure! Also it lead me to figure out how to add music to a podfic, which made me feel like an evil genius. Yays all 'round!
26th-Sep-2012 09:33 pm (UTC)
O...M...G!!!! This had me laughing out loud and causing my DH to wonder just what the heck I was reading....rotflmao!!!
29th-Dec-2012 06:09 pm (UTC)
I. laughed. so. hard.

"Watson, remove that paper umbrella thing from my hair"

"It is called a what?"


Too funny. I can just (barely) picture Jeremy Brett saying those lines!
2nd-Jun-2013 08:54 pm (UTC)
I thought this was hilarious. I listened to the podfic and couldn't stop cracking up! I, too, loved the lines that many others referenced above, and unfortunately am not feeling clever enough to come up with more unique commentary. Thanks for sharing a fun concept and story. :)
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